Challenges keep you alive!!

The Japanese have always loved fresh fish. But the water close to Japan has not held many fish for decades. 

So to feed the Japanese population, fishing boats got bigger and went farther than ever. The farther the fishermen went, the longer it took to 

bring the fish. If the return trip took more time, the fish were not fresh. 

To solve this problem, fish companies installed freezers on their boats. They would catch the fish and freeze them at sea. 

Freezers allowed the boats to go farther and stay longer. However, the Japanese could taste the difference between fresh and frozen fish. 

And they did not like the taste of frozen fish. 

The frozen fish brought a lower price. So, fishing companies installed fish tanks. They would catch the fish and stuff them in the tanks, fin to fin. 

After a little thrashing around, they were

 tired, dull, and lost their fresh-fish taste. The fishing industry faced an impending crisis! 

But today, they get fresh-tasting fish to Japan. How did they manage? 

To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese fishing companies still put     the fish in the tanks but with a small shark. 

The fish are challenged and hence are constantly on the move.                  The challenge they face keeps them alive and fresh! 

Have you realized that some of us are also living in a pond but most of the time tired and dull? 

Basically in our lives, sharks are new challenges to keep us active. If you are steadily conquering challenges, you are happy. 

Your challenges keep you energized.  Don't create success and revel in it in a state of inertia. You have the resources, skills and abilities to make a difference. 

Put a shark in your tank and see how far you can really go! 

Self Importance V/s Self Esteem

One of the issues faced by this generation of parents is the feeling of ingratitude that some of us receive from our kids. Am sure, we have all heard this statement from mums n dads, " No matter, how much we do, it doesn"t seem enough" or " My child tells me, I am supposed to do these things for him/her" or somethings similar....which basically gives the feeling that children feel/think that its no big deal whatever parents are doing for them....simply because they deserve it.

In this context, I want to share a part of this book "The Anger Habit in Parenting "by Carl Semmelroth. It says here:

"Self Importance is made up of the persistent belief that others owe it to you to solve your problems. It grows from the belief that you deserved what was given to you.

Self Esteem is made up of the persistent beleif that you can find your own solutions to your problems. It grows from the belief that obstacles can be overcome.

In order to change children's self importance, we must change our own behaviour. First, we must get over our anger at their self important demands. Anger merely leaves self important children with the feeling that they have been cheated. They do feel that their parents owe them that. When their parents attack them, they react in a way that anyone would, who is owed something. Instead of being paid, they are attacked by their debtor. In other words, they act very much the same as their parents are acting- angrily."

Dig it up...

The other day, I was in one of my 'complaining' moods. Among a couple of other...no a few other things....I also complained to God ' Why can't my son be a little more caring, sensitive, etc etc. 

And as if to answer my question, a strange event took place. We were on our way from a restaurant to   an ice cream parlour, around 10 . 30 pm. My hubby n me both had our cars. Everyone piled into my hubby's car..since all the cousins wanted to be together, and I was left alone in my car. Before I even realised what happened, my son promptly got out of the car n joined me. I just shot him an enquiring look...knowing that he would like to be with the gang. His answer left me speechless...." Ma how could I let you drive alone at this time"!!

Sure enough....this incidents maybe make you wonder, think and above all marvel at God's ways of talking to us.

What they also do is make you reflect on your own parenting skills.....instead of always complaining of why can't he be like this, or more like that....can we catch them doing right, can we celebrate when we see glimpses of gold shining under a whole lot of muck n dirt. Coz the moment we do that, we are sure to see more such glimpses...and moreover that shifts our focus from the muck to the gold.

So what are you going to dig for today??

  Dig for muck, you get muck.....dig for gold, you get gold!!

When you thought no one was looking....

 

 

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING   (Written by a former child)

 

 A message every adult should read, because children are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say.

 

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

 

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

 

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

 

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could  always talk to and I learned to trust in  God.

 

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

 

 When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you  give of  your time and money to help people who  had nothing  and I learned that those who have  something should  give to those who don't.

 

 When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I  learned  we have to take care of what we are given.

 

 When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how  you  handled your responsibilities, even when you  didn't  feel good and I learned that I would have  to be  responsible when I grow  up.

 

 When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears  come  from your eyes and I learned that sometimes  things  hurt, but it's all right to  cry.

 

 When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

  

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, "Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking."

 

 I AM SENDING THIS TO ALL OF THE PEOPLE I KNOW WHO DO SO MUCH FOR OTHERS AND THINK NO ONE EVER SEES.

 LITTLE EYES SEE A LOT.

 

 Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher or friend) influences the life of a child /person 

 How will you touch the life of someone today?  Just by sending this to someone else, you will probably make them at least think about their influence on others . 

 

Now I know!!

Have been exploring self esteem and related topics over the past few weeks.
As always, a few snapshots of the past flash before me , whenever I am on this journey of exploring. Sharing one of those mental pictures of my life.

I was about 15 yrs when my eldest sister came down from the US with her first born child. My niece was just about 18 mnths then...and it was her first visit to her 'nani's' place. Being the first grand child....the excitement of my family was but obvious. But the other side of the picture was that my niece was not aware that there can be more than 2 people staying in one house!! She was terrified to see so many people in a house...that too all of the wanting to carry her, coo chi coo her and dote on her.!! She would run behind her mum, not letting her out of her sight for even a second.

But surprisingly, within   a few days only, she seemed to develop a deep liking for me. I was not doing anything special, infact I don't even really remember what I really did. But I do remember that I didn't try to enforce myself on her...gave her time n space to come to me. And guess how I was rewarded?? I was the only privileged one who was allowed to change her diaper!! Everyone, including me was quite surprised. How come, this little one has developed such a bond with me. (You see,I had not shown/displayed any particular talent in this field until then. )

 But now I know!!

Children, as young as 18 months...probably younger, can sense respect, feel it, when adults around them respect their choices, their space... their individuality. Older children will show appreciation with words, younger than that with their actions, younger than that with their behaviour and even younger than that...by allowing you to do their most intimate tasks....like changing their nappies!!

So go ahead, give it a shot. Try showing respect to children...instead of demanding it....and experience the change. :))

This is my story...

 Most people will agree that school life was one of the most memorable moments of one's life.Yeah, I know, at that time it may not seem so, but looking back , more often than not, it brings a smile to our faces. Usually, we all have a couple of memories ...which we just cant forget. One such memory of mine is the day..or rather the day when my parents came to collect the report card. They got to hear one standard line from most of my teachers..."She can do much better" In other words, they had an image of a "better" Akeela...obviously totally ignoring the Akeela that was THERE in front of them. Which was rather sad because after some time, I just stopped trying to better myself. I thought that no matter how hard I try..I will never be able to "better" myself or rather live up to their image of me....which btw, was coming from the comparison that they kept making with my older sister. " Your sister is so intelligent, why can't you be like her?" and so on. Well, some were a bit more polite, didn't say it in as many words, but aren't our thoughts reflected in our actions?

Till today...this thought saddens me. Why was I not accepted for who I was? Why was it so important for me to better myself...worse still...be like someone else?? And the best part is that it was not that i was not a good student...I was just not as good as someone else, who happened to be my sister. If only they could accept me as being sometimes bright, sometimes stupid, sometimes lively and sometimes quiet, sometimes creative and sometimes boring., sometimes a leader and sometimes a follower.

And come to think of it...aren't most of us ( atleast those who are normal! ) sometimes this and sometimes that?? So where is the question of living up to your own image..let alone living upto someone else's?? If you cannot possibly remain the same being, as in your thoughts, feelings emotions , behaviour etc...how then can one have only one image? What will happen if we free ourselves of this whole one single image business?? Imagine the multitude of options available to you!! You can be intelligent, patient, uncaring sensitive, ruthless and a million other things. Just imagine the freedom in living without any fear of living up to an image that you have for yourself or that you THINK others have of you!!  In other words, you could have a million images!! Or better still you could be image - free!!

Well, sadly nothing much has changed. This week when I went to pick up the report cards of my kids...guess what...I got to hear the same phrase " He can do much better!! "

Like they say " Old habits, die hard!!! "

I decide, I abide

My 8 year old wanted to join an art class that is being conducted in our residential premises. I am always weary of such classes...simply because I feel it's always the teachers work more than the child's work that is produced in the book. ( belief, belief !! ). But my daughter was adamant....I want to go anyhow. When nothing else worked...I tried to make her realise how this class would just add to her already 'busy' weekdays. But her answer surprised me. In just 3-4 sentences she chalked out her entire list of 'to do's ' ....along with this class. She even cut her own T.V time in doing so!! Now I had no excuse...and more importantly I wanted her to join now, just to see if she can abide by what she deciedes.Well, at least this week she has done so.... The best part for me is that most of the things that I had to constantly nag her for doing...changing clothes, wash up etc. she was doing without me even telling her a second time. Which just made me wonder how simple my life would be, if only I could help my kids to figure out why they should be doing the myriad things that they know they have to do anyways!! Reminds me of a quote I read a long time back " Dear God, help me to like to do the things I know I have to do anyways".

The rose within

A certain man planted a rose and watered it faithfully and before it blossomed, he examined it. He saw the bud that would soon blossom, but noticed thorns upon the stem and he thought, “ How can any beautiful flower come from a plant burdened with so many sharp thorns?” Saddened by this thought, he neglected to water the rose, and just before it was ready to bloom... it died. ... So it is with many people. Within every soul there is a rose. The good qualities planted in us at birth, grow amid the thorns of our faults. Many of us look at ourselves and see only the thorns, the defects. We despair, thinking that nothing good can possibly come from us. We neglect to water the good within us, and eventually it dies. We never realize our potential. Some people do not see the rose within themselves; someone else must show it to them. One of the greatest gifts a person can possess is to be able to reach past the thorns of another, and find the rose within them. This is one of the characteristic of love... to look at a person, know their true faults and accepting that person into your life... all the while recognizing the nobility in their soul. Help others to realize they can overcome their faults. If we show them the “rose” within themselves, they will conquer their thorns. Only then will they blossom many times over.

A washerman, a dog and a donkey

There was once a washer man who had a donkey and a dog. One night when the he was sleeping, a thief broke into the house, the washer man was fast asleep but the donkey and the dog were awake. The dog decided not to bark since the master did not take good care of him and wanted to teach him a lesson. The donkey got worried and said to the dog that if he doesn’t bark, the donkey will have to do something himself. The dog did not change his mind and the donkey started braying loudly. Hearing the donkey bray, the thief ran away, the master woke up and started beating the donkey for braying in the middle of the night for no reason. Moral of the story “One must not engage in duties other than his own“ Now take a new look at the same story…. The washer man was a well educated man from a premier management institute. He had the fundas of looking at the bigger picture and thinking out of the box. He was convinced that there must be some reason for the donkey to bray in the night. He walked outside a little and did some fact finding, applied a bottom up approach, figured out from the ground realities that there was a thief who broke in and the donkey only wanted to alert him about it. Looking at the donkey’s extra initiative and going beyond the call of duty, he rewarded him with lot of hay and other perks and became his favorite pet. The dog’s life didn’t change much, except that now the donkey was more motivated in doing the dog’s duty as well in the annual appraisal the dog managed “ME” (Met Expectations). Soon the dog realized that the donkey is taking care of his duties and he can enjoy his life sleeping and lazing around. The donkey was rated as ‘Star Performer’. The donkey had to live up to his already high performance standards. Soon he was over burdened with work and always under pressure and now is looking for a new job. Disclaimer: All characters in the story are not at all imaginary. Any resemblance to person living or dying of work is purely intentional and is corporate related.

Mind what you say....I just learnt it the hard way!!

The other day both the kids were being a bit too demanding...want this, want that types. I kept my cool, but couldn't resist doing a bit of lecturegiri on how we need to be grateful for what we have and the wise policy is to look at people who have lesser than you rather than who have more. Just the next day, when my daughter proudly showed me her test marks...she had got 15 on 20 and she was absolutely elated. In my excitement too I blurted out...what was the highest ( I have been struggling with this horrible habit for some time now )...and she just stared at me in the face and said " mum, I am going to tell u what was the Lowest...and not the highest!! Well, the lowest was 6 and ........got it!! well, so much for giving gyaan..

If I had a child to raise again........

If I had a child to raise over again,   I would build self-esteem first and my house later, I would finger paint more and point the finger less, I would do less correcting and more connecting, I would take my eyes off my watch and watch more with my eyes, I would care to know less and know to care more, I would stop playing serious and start seriously playing, I would do less tugging and more hugging, I would be firm less often and affirm much more, I would model less about the love of power and, Model more about the power of love.

Are you a cracked pot??

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master’s house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his master’s house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.” “Why?” asked the bearer. “What are you ashamed of?” “I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said.  The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”  Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.  The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known agout your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you’ve watered them.  For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master’s table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.  Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We’re all cracked pots. But if rightly utilized, our flaws become our greatest assets.  

Respect + Trust = Love??

Have been pondering over and playing around with these concepts...respect, Trust and love. My son comes and tells me " Ma, for this week's science test, I will work completely on my own. Don't ask me any questions...don't even take up my work. What say??" Forget saying anything, I was completely dumbstruck!! 2 things stared at me: 1. I had full confidence in his ability to do so. I was actually pleased with the confidence he was showing. Kind of respected his decision making ability. 2. Then, almost simultaneously another thought occured: Is he doing/saying this only to cut short his work? In other words I was mis trusting his decision,kind of doubting his intentions. although I still respected his ability to do. After playing around with these thoughts for a couple of more days, I made a concious effort to start trusting whatever he says: If he said I packed my bag, I accepted. If he said, I did my h/w, I accepted. If he said, I said my prayers, I accepted. What did this do to me?? Firstly, i was at complete peace...didn't realise how easy it was actually to be at peace. Just beleive!! What did this do to my son?? Aha!! thats the juicy part...coming up in part 2!! Stay tuned!!

~Self esteem

My 8 yr old was making a collage on I am special. After initial brainstorming, she sat to fill in the bubbles that we had created: I am....I like....my hobbies....etc. To my amazement she could not think of any thing for I am.....So I prompted her with a couple of adjectives (I know, I know, later I regretted doing i!! ) and her answer amazed me even more...Mummy, those are names that others call me....I don't think I am like that. She came up with her own 'images' for her self. Her clarity on what she is and what others think of her, really surprised me.

Frustatingly challenging!!

Yesterday, my 10 yr old's favourite possession..his I-pod got disabled because his younger sister repeatedly typed the wrong pass code. After the initial exchange of words was over ( b/w the 3 of us!! ), I got down to serious thinking. I decieded to take this as an opportunity to familiarise myself with with how these things works and basically get myself more technology abled:). So we started off with thinking who we could approach for help...Maaz suggested his older cousin who is well versed in all this stuff. But that did not work...so next choice..."call the Apple store"...Maaz suggested. We did that, got some technical support on the phone, did all that was told...still didn't work. Called up the store again today, found out there was some setting isssue due to which the process was unsuccessful. So again changed the settings and then redid the whole process...still didn't work. In all this, Maaz was by my side, observing what I was doing, suggesting what I should do. In the process, we learnt a couple of other stuff related to settings, how to tackle storage space issues etc etc. We did all this whole of yesterday evening and today morning. Uptill now I was challenged....now I am beginning to get frustrated. Dunno what I'll do next......

Learning from a dolphin show

A few days ago, I had the opportunity to witness a dolphin show. For obvious reasons :)....this time i was more excited than usual. My observations led to the following thoughts: 1. True, the dolphins were doing the tricks( read as 'expected behaviour') as desired by the trainers. But after each trick, they were constantly being reinforced with fish, hugs, cheers, claps etc. This i felt was nothing but bribes...simply because it came right after an expected behaviour. Sure, a more satisfactory term maybe 'reward'....but we all know why that reward was given, don't we? So does this mean that, to sustain an expected behaviour, bribes are essential? What if the bribe is not given at the end? Will the dolphins stop performing? Also the dolphins were expecting the bribe....they went straight to the trainer after each trick!! 2. In contrast to the above, when i give fish just like that, what is it that I am trying to do/say to the recepient? The fairly obvious answer to this is that " I care / value you for who you are and not what you do". This thought according to me is in itself an energising feeling....don't we all really crave for that? But having said that, lets be reassured that ultimately how one feels is not in my hands at all. I may give 'fish just like that' end number of times, yet the person recieving it may not feel anything...much less feel valued! 3. The onus then falls back on me. When I give 'fish just like that'... I need to ensure that its not being given with any agenda in mind. Also, it is equally if not more important that whatever I do or say, has to be genuine...something that I really feel like doing or something that I really want to do...without any agenda in mind...not even to make that person feel valued. I am doing/saying/giving it just because I feel like doing/saying/giving it. Absolutely, no expectations whatsoever!! :) 4. One may question... is this really possible? I have been over the past few weeks, experimenting with this. The other day, in flight, I just pulled my 10 year old son close, hugged him and planted a kiss on his head. He was...taken aback...to say the least. But he didn't say any thing, simply smiled and I smiled back. That's it!!

"If I Can, I will. If i can't don't push me"

Waiting outside a swimming pool in the hot sun is by no means an easy task! But the other day, I had the pleasent experience of witnessing
an inspiring incident. There was a girl..about 5 -6 year old who had come for the camp. I assume that it was her first time.
She refused to get in. What was amazing is that unlike other children she was very calm. No crying, no wailing. But still, no amount of pursuading by the instructor or the mum, worked. Mother was equally calm and composed. After about 20 -25 minutes the mum went and spoke something to he instructor and she left.
The next day the same process.Although they stood around for almost the whole one hour, the child refused to go in. Not even to sit and kick her legs in the water. All still calm. I was truly inspired by this mum. So I went up and spoke to her.
She replied that this was a part of a 'deal' that she had made with her daughter. According to the deal, she..ie the child would try her 'bestest' to get in the pool..saying "If I Can, I will. If i can't don't push me!!"
So the mum was hoping that if she keeps her part of the bargain the child would too.

My thoughts/learnings on this:
1. Trusting your child is so important. In fact trust building as an essential life skill begins here.
2. Even before trusting the child, trusting your own self and the belief that you are working from.
3. When I discussed this with a family member she said " But, how far can I, allow a child to take his/her time? Will this not lead to my child becoming complacent?"

I just can't wait to see how this will end. Will keep you posted!!

Not trying to motivate = motivation

This is what i experienced today, with my kids. My maid left earlier than usual today, it being Easter Sunday. Still sleepy i got off bed, thinking "Oh well, have to start by doing the beds in all 3 rooms". Without much thinking I called my kids and said " Lets see, who can make their room look neat n tidy fastest". Before i knew it, both were off to their rooms in a jiffy and the funny part is I too found myself hurrying, laughing and enjoying the process that I was dreading a couple of minutes back!!

Hmmm...now how can I keep them off that TV, I wonder??

Swinging back and forth!

The past 2 weeks have been a roller coaster ride for me. It all started with me and my preparation of the 20 minute "TED TALK" that we were asked to do. When I first heard it, about a month and a half ago, I secretely never thought I'll get this far. So I surprised my own self when I wrote my name in the slot to do the presentations. After the exasperation of the first one, I had this great feeling " Yes, I can do it".. types. After the 2nd and 3rd also went off reasonably well, I had this thought... " Maybe I am moving from unconscious incompetence to conscious competence! It was indeed an exciting thought... An exciting place to be in. Then again suddenly, yesterday I had this thought " Akeela, you still don't know anything". Being me, I soon changed that thought to " You still have a lot to learn". Yes, this is a much more relaxing thought...it eases a lot of stress. But I kind of enjoyed this roller coaster ride within me. Although at this stage, the phase of unconscious competence seems a distant reality...I for now am content with my progress so far and excited about what has to follow.