What Is Respect?

I start my article with one of my most memorable observation.

A few months back, I was forced to attend a wedding I really didn't want to attend. I hardly knew the hosts and I knew that would not be many with whom I could strike a conversation. But I gave in to the ' pressure' and got myself to go. Little did I know that this very dreadful outing would be one that I would remember for some time to come.

I had nothing better to do than to analyse the latest in fashion and dressing styles ( believe me, no other  better place than a wedding for that purpose!!). Suddenly I noticed this very well dressed mum tagging along a little girl...no more than 5-6 yr old. Unlike any other child, this girl was dressed in very ' plain' clothes. Her accessories hardly matched her outfit. (She had these colorful bangles in both hands!!). I noticed the mum very happily moving around the crowd with her little one in tow.  I couldn't help noticing the range of glances the mum n daughter were getting...ranging from a polite smile to utter horror!!. Over dinner, I overheard her telling someone that her daughter insisted on wearing her ' favourite' dress and 'favorite' bangles to her ' favourite' aunty's wedding!

I have no clue who that lady was....but she taught me an amazing lesson.

I can safely say that there must be hardly any adult  who would not have heard ' you must respect your elders'....at some point in their childhood. (Ironically, there must be even fewer adults who have been able to resist saying this themselves!!) . But our concept of respect is so limited...do we truly understand what it encompasses? To me, that lady at the wedding depicted a rarely seen aspect of respect. She accepted her child totally....even if it meant dressing visibly inappropriately at a wedding.

It is this aspect of respect that most of the parents have a problem implementing. Very few parents would publicly scream, yell  or disrespect their children in any way. And we think that by not doing so we are respecting our kids. Sure that is respect...but what is a more challenging is to respect their choices, their beliefs , their mood swings, their abilities...especially when these do not match with ours!!

The other day, I experienced this first hand. My 12 yr old had a chemistry test for which he refused to study. He was very sure he ' knows everything'. Nothing I said or did made any difference. He refused to even read the chapter.  I admit it was due to the lack of a better alternative that I finally ( and grudgingly) gave in. I realized then how really challenging it can be to actually practice this. To accept the child is to trust the child. And to trust a child is to respect the child.

And the way I see it....that young 5-6 year old will not have much trouble reciprocating respect....in all aspects.......especially to her mum!!

‘Feeling’... The Exam Fever!!

  As much as I hate to admit it, exam time is generally a bit stressful in my household. This time however, I was determined to make things work differently. Among other things, I consciously made efforts to talk in feeling vocabulary. Example : “ I feel uneasy watching you laze around when you have such and such to do…”. 

Although, this was not something entirely unusual of me to do, I was just doing it more vocally and more consciously this time, especially to communicate ‘not so good’ feelings.

  To be honest, I was doing it without expecting any results from my kids. It was helping me stay calm and sober (especially in cases of the above and their like!!)...and that is why, whenever I felt a heavy rush of blood flowing in my body, I expressed myself vocally , in pure feeling vocabulary.

But the other day, when my son was sitting to do his Maths, I saw a little glimpse of the effect this was having on my kids. I had just finished explaining a particular problem..one which he was avoiding doing for some time now. This time he got the hang of it and then putting his pen down, he told me, “ You know mum, every time I would see this kind of sum, I could not attempt it...because I felt a certain tightening in my stomach. Plus my hand would start getting wet, and I am not able to hold my pen properly”

  I was initially shocked!!. Not so much due to what he shared but the fact that he expressed his feeling !

 At that moment I had myriad of my own feelings going through. I hated the system which made a child feel so. I hated myself for being part of such a system. I was amazed to see him expressing himself ( I didn’t know he could feel this way too!!).

The very next day, he comes back from school and tells me that he attempted the similar kind of sum in his maths class and this time he was really “confident” about it. I asked him what according to him brought about the change. And he almost shyly admitted that it was “practice”.

This lead to him forming his own goal of doing 30-45 minutes of Maths everyday.

To me, this little incident had a feelings session, an empowerment session, a motivation session a self -esteem session, not to mention beliefs ...all rolled into one. And it felt great!!

Thinking out of the box

An old man lived alone in a village. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:

Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.
Love,
Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram: "For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS!!" At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police Officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened and asked him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad... It's the best I could do for you from here."

Unlock your Mind.

Sharing this interesting story…..


Houdini was a master magician as well as a fabulous locksmith. He
boasted that he could escape from any Jail cell in the World in less
than an hour, provided he could go into the cell dressed in street
clothes. Houdini became very famous.

A small town in the British Isles built a new Jail, which they were
extremely proud of. They issued Houdini a challenge. "Come give us a
try", they said. Houdini loved the publicity and the money attached
with it, so he accepted.

The day of the challenge came. By the time Houdini arrived, excitement
was at a fever pitch. Houdini rode triumphantly into the town and
walked into the cell. He proudly walked into the cell and the Big Iron
door was closed. Houdini took off his coat and went to work. Secreted
in his belt was a flexible tough and durable ten-inch piece of steel,
which he used to work on the lock. At the end of 15 minutes his
confident expression had disappeared. At the end of 30 minutes he was
looking confused. At the end of an hour he was drenched in
perspiration.

After two hours...Houdini literally collapsed against the door - which
opened...!

Yes, it had never been locked.........except in his
mind..........where he viewed it was as firmly locked as if a thousand
locksmiths had put their best efforts in making the lock for it. One
little push and Houdini could have easily opened the door..........But
he didn't.


Many times a little extra push is all you need to open your
opportunity door. In the game of life you will discover, as you set
your goals and unlock your mind, that the world will unlock its own
treasures and rewards to you. Realistically, Most locked doors are in
our minds.

Unlock your Mind...

Think Great Thoughts...

Do Great Things...

Passion leads to Action

Just experienced the simple ( yet often ignored ) secrete of keeping my kids away from TV and Computer!!

GIVE THEM SOMETHING BETTER TO DO !! 

And what is something better...is something that is meaningful...and what is meaningful has to be something that they are interested in...and what they are interested in ...is something that they are passionate about.

Recently my pre- teen son has started showing a lot of interest in cooking. He gets his recipes  from various websites, downloads them and then tries out the ones that appeals to him most. Initially, I was a bit amused by his overwhelming interest in cooking. What was really amazing was the passion with which he talks about the recipes, discusses them with me, tries to analyse what might work, what won't etc.

Obviously he was not satisfied with just that. He wanted to make them. So I suggested that every weekend, we would try out one recipe...as long as he was able to fit it in his schedule without disturbing his study time. He was left with little choice...cut playing time or media time. He wisely chose to give up an hour of TV on the weekend to accommodate this..

Now, I was inspired to use this passion to get some more of my wishes fulfilled!!. So I told him that it was his responsibility to arrange for the ingredients a day before, make sure that we have all the stuff required, and also that the kitchen is in order before he is done. While cooking, we related book knowledge with practical stuff. Various chemical reactions were now better understood. The simple joy of sharing your finished product with the rest of the family took a different meaning altogether as was accepting criticisms and suggestions for improvisation.

The best part of this is that ..at this stage in their life , their interests are changing pretty fast. Just a few months ago he was greatly interested in constructing 3D puzzles, before that it was origami. So I realized all I have to do is keep pace with his changing interests, accept them and then use them only to get my wishes answered.

Now, How simple is that!!

What's your Intention?

Yesterday was one of those days! You know , when everything...ok almost everything... you do seems to go wrong. So the only thing I wanted to do at night was to get the kids in bed and sit back with  a book. But that was not to be....Coz that very night my kids insisted that I lie down with them in bed for some time. As my son put it " Like before, how you used to sit and read to me..." 

Sounds really sweet...doesn't it? Not when there is a counter attack...my daughter insisted that I do the same for her too and that also before I do that for her brother!

NOOO! I wanted to scream! I didn't deserve this!

As they continued to battle for who should get "mummy first" and as I continued to battle with myself to prevent from  screaming..I was left wondering:

1. What is it that they are actually seeking?

2. Is that such a bad thing?

3. How would my response be , if I failed to see the intention behind the fight?

4. And how would I respond otherwise?

And because i was able to see their intention ...I could not only handle my own feelings better, but was also able to spend a few minutes reliving the joy of when my kids were younger...as we spent some good quality time before dozing off.

Is the desktop already obsolete??

Technology is constantly changing...at an amazing pace. We all know this, hear this. But it came as a big shock yesterday, when I was sitting on the desktop doing some work, when my son comes up behind me and says...."Mum, what are you doing on the comp??" As if to say...Why in the world do you need to use  that??!!

But truly, the sense of 'work' that I get when I sit on the desktop , is just not the same when I do the same thing, lying on the bed with a laptop or I pad. Somehow, I just don't get that feeling of having done something or accomplished some work that I had planned.

Which makes me wonder....at the beauty of hard work...and the sweetness one experiences after getting its fruits. Specially, when you see that there are many who are getting the same or similar work done with more ease and fewer difficulties. The sweetness of the fruits undoubtedly depends on the amount one had worked for it.....knowing that with today's technological advancements, its quite possible to get a fruit without actually  putting in much effort.

So , I guess, the desktop is still not obsolete, is it??

Every Bad news is Good news!

The news of a house maid/cook/driver leaving is not a very welcome news for most women. Yes, we have only ourselves to blame for this...we have made ourselves partially or sometimes even wholly dependant on them. But nonetheless it is a painful news to digest.

Well, for me it even went a step further. I was ...for the past few months, refusing to step out of my comfort zone and was constantly ignoring all the misdeeds of my maid, only because I didn't want to be without one. The thought of maid hunting was just too much for me to think about...or rather I didn't want to think about. But finally, the pot burst and I had to bid her adieu.

That done...I stared ahead as to what lay ahead.  Don't get me wrong, I am not afraid of doing household work...what I was dreading is that it would prevent me from doing what I enjoy doing more. This is when I realized that how a bad news can be a good news.

I had never imagined my kids, 11 and 8 to be so charged up about taking responsibility and getting things done around the house. They were making beds, laying tables, ironing uniforms, polishing shoes, dusting and even sweeping n swabbing.....all of which I was very recently wanting my kids to help with. But with a maid around to do these for them, they were not interested in taking up the task.

Today, Zoya insisted on cleaning the kitchen, saying" Mum, this is my job, its my resposibility."

Truly, God has His ways of teaching us. Reminds me of the verse in the Quran,, the gist of which is " You may like a thing which is bad for you and you may dislike a thing which is good for you. And God knows, while you know not".

My experiment with money

Maaz, who is now well passed  his 11th birthday, has been pestering me to give him regular pocket money. When I realized I could put it off no further, we mutually agreed upon Rs. 50 on the first Sunday of the month.
As soon as he got his first pocket money, he planned up how he was going to spend it and how much he would save up to buy the ear phones that he has been wanting for some time now ( we had agreed that this was going to come out of "his" money).
Soon enough he wanted to know how he could speed up the process of collecting money.
"Will you give me money, if I do household chores?" he asked one day.
Initially I was not sure what to say....would it be the right thing to do to reward him with money.....would that be bribing.....won't he get into the habit of doing things for others only if he was getting back something? On the other hand, in daily life, isn't this a natural phenomenon? Is it not usual for people to get paid back in cash or kind for atleast a part of the things that they do for others? So, would it be that wrong a thing, if I were to "pay" him for a few chores that he did? After all, he is working for it!!
Anyways, at that time I was not sure, so I just told him I'll answer that tomorrow. The next day I was still not sure!! But on the spur of the moment, I had an idea! I said " You do whatever work you want to do, sometimes I may ask you to do somethings, but YOU decide if you want to get 'paid ' for it or you'll do it Just like that!( he knows the fish story :) )
Now, he was confused!! Initially though he was happy, he said "Of course I'll take money".
 And that's what he did too....for the first few chores. And then just when I thought I made a bad decision, he surprised me one day by doing something just like that!
Later that day, I asked him how he was feeling about his decision. He just smiled and hugged me and said it felt nice, he was" happy".
I was happy, simply because, my son had on his own discovered the joy of giving. Somewhere I know he must have also realized that money, though a means of satisfaction,, is nowhere close to the joy experienced by doing things for others simply....for no return whatsoever...for doing just like that!!

The Chained Elephants

As my friend was passing by the elephants, he suddenly stopped, confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg. No chains, no cages. It was obvious that the elephants could, at anytime, break away from the ropes they were tied to but for some reason, they did not. My friend saw a trainer nearby and asked why these beautiful, magnificent animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away.

“Well,” he said, “when they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them and, at    that age, it’s enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away.  They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free.” My friend was amazed. These  animals could at any time break free from their bonds but because they believed they couldn’t, they were stuck right where they were.

Moral
Like the elephants, how many of us go through life hanging onto a belief that we cannot do something, simply because we failed at it once before? So make an attempt to grow further.  Why shouldn’t we try it again?

Your attempt may fail, but never fail to make an attempt

&
CHOOSE not to accept the false boundaries and limitations created by the past.

I can decide!!

My daughter, Zoya, all of 8 yrs, had a major "crisis" in her life.!!

She is invited to one of her good friend's birthday party tmrw and at the very same time she has a class to attend which she has been waiting for and does not wish to miss. There is no way she can do both...she must choose one. So what does she do??

After the matter actually sunk in her head, and after she was through the initial stage of "If only's" ....she looked at me with great expectation and said " Mum, you decide, What should I do?! "

Ofcourse, I flatly refused to decide for her She soon realised that life can't be so easy...she would have to decide for herself..And I completely enjoyed myself just watching how her mind was constantly weighing the pros and cons of each situation. Infact, she was totally involved and engrossed. While eating she would blurt out one reason why she should go for the party and then while playing , comes back running to me with a fantastic reason of attending the class. This went on through most of the day.

To me , it meant that a child , not only is fully capable to make decisions , but in fact can get as engrossed in it as any adult....as long as the adult allows it to happen. It also shows how often, we are ready to pass the buck, just so that we do not have to leave our comfort zones. Yes, kids too can cling on and resist stepping into challenges, in order to avoid the struggle and frustration involved in it. Thats where the adult must resist the temptation to offer a helicopter ride to the top of the mountain.

It also made me grieve for the number of times that in my eagerness to help, I have ruined such golden opportunities to allow my child to grow and learn the art of decision making.

Well, a whole day passed by, without any decision being taken....but irrespective of what she decides to do, I am happy that I could now enjoy this state of uncomfortability...in my child and myself!!