A few months ago, my son was going through a rough patch in school. Although not very uncommon for children in their tweens, it was nonetheless a truly physically and emotionally draining experience for me. Didn't really realize how scary it can be when your 12 year old tells you with full conviction that he, not only does not want to go to school anymore, but that he is just not interested in studying any further...that he sees no need to study or go to school at all!!
To me what was really scary, was not what he was saying, rather why he was saying, what he was saying. What could have possibly gone so wrong at school, for him to think, with such surety , that studying and acquiring an education is not something he sees himself doing....not in the near future any ways!!
I really don't want to write about the details of what actually transpired at school....to me what was more important is what effect it had on him. To describe in one word..it shattered him...it killed his self confidence, made him feel that he was a good for nothing fellow....that whatever strengths he has are of no use just because he is not "academically correct"!! Can you believe it...he actually immersed himself completely in a task and kept on at it for most part of the day...for days together, just to be able to achieve some praise, some acknowledgement that even he was good at something.
This incident has been a huge learning opportunity for me. Some of these I will share with you:
Firstly, I learnt that a school is as good as its teachers. And a "good" school is not the necessarily the one which provides good infrastructure, but rather one which invests in its teachers...in their professional and personal growth and training. And a one who does not compromise when it comes to hiring the better teacher.
Secondly I learnt how important it is to like "myself", in order to achieve success of any kind. While this is true for everyone, it becomes vital for children and especially the tweens and the teenagers, who are at that point going through a lot of physiological changes which can effect their psychological well being as well. For this, the child needs unconditional love, trust and acceptance. Have always known this fact....it's not something that is news for parents of this generation. But I truly understood the implications of what can happen to a child if these vital ingredients are missing from the dish of parenting and in the teaching learning process.
Next, I realized what a world of change it can bring in a child's life, if he is given an opportunity to choose for himself what he wants. Isn't that true for any adult? Wouldn't we enjoy doing something that we have chosen to do rather than do something that has been given to us....whether we like it or not? Yet, when it comes to children, we shy away from giving them the right to choose. Right from eating to what they want to wear to when they want to do their homework to whether they want to their homework in the first place!!
Most importantly, I learnt how a "Bad news" can be "Good news"...if only we are able to see the incident in that light. This viewing not only makes you that much more wise, it also enables you considerably to be able to live through the difficult times. I learnt to challenge some beliefs that were pulling me down, learnt to let go, so that I could look at new possibilities to address the same difficulties.
I learnt that constraints only enhance my thinking capacity. I was amazed at my ability to come up with creative reasons to convince him why he should be going to school that day. Some of them failed miserably, but that's okay, cause some of them did work wonders!!
This incident made me remember Howard Gardner a lot!! Yes, I am appreciating the concept of Multiple Intelligence. What a difference it can make if all parents can actually understand this concept!!
And the way this incident affected me, it was equally disturbing for my son as well. He learnt a couple of things too from this whole episode.
For one, he learnt to not "follow the crowd ". To stand up and say what you think is wrong, even if it means going against the norms set by the environment. Moreover he learnt that ultimately he has to bear the consequences of his own behaviour. In other words, he learnt to assume Responsibility for his actions.
I never realized that he had so many feelings buried inside him. This incident brought out all those pent up emotions and their acceptance and acknowledgement gave him the much needed assurance that he is as "normal"as any other kid his age.
The reason why I am sharing this with you all, is because I sincerely feel that had it not been for these insights which I learnt from my journey in GK/ Amable, I would have probably not been able to see any good out of this bad incident. Although, initially I must admit, I did feel a sense of "all this is good only in books, not in real life"...kind of a situation!! But reflection does make you wise. and on reflection I realised that this was probably just what I needed in my life ....a platform to actually experience these insights and see if they worrk. And beleive me, work they do!!
Parenting today is a lot more challenging than it was even 15 yrs ago and hence the need to acquire the right skills and attitude that will equip you to do just that...parent your child in a way that will empower both of you to achieve a mutually satisfying relationship.
Happy parenting!!
To me what was really scary, was not what he was saying, rather why he was saying, what he was saying. What could have possibly gone so wrong at school, for him to think, with such surety , that studying and acquiring an education is not something he sees himself doing....not in the near future any ways!!
I really don't want to write about the details of what actually transpired at school....to me what was more important is what effect it had on him. To describe in one word..it shattered him...it killed his self confidence, made him feel that he was a good for nothing fellow....that whatever strengths he has are of no use just because he is not "academically correct"!! Can you believe it...he actually immersed himself completely in a task and kept on at it for most part of the day...for days together, just to be able to achieve some praise, some acknowledgement that even he was good at something.
This incident has been a huge learning opportunity for me. Some of these I will share with you:
Firstly, I learnt that a school is as good as its teachers. And a "good" school is not the necessarily the one which provides good infrastructure, but rather one which invests in its teachers...in their professional and personal growth and training. And a one who does not compromise when it comes to hiring the better teacher.
Secondly I learnt how important it is to like "myself", in order to achieve success of any kind. While this is true for everyone, it becomes vital for children and especially the tweens and the teenagers, who are at that point going through a lot of physiological changes which can effect their psychological well being as well. For this, the child needs unconditional love, trust and acceptance. Have always known this fact....it's not something that is news for parents of this generation. But I truly understood the implications of what can happen to a child if these vital ingredients are missing from the dish of parenting and in the teaching learning process.
Next, I realized what a world of change it can bring in a child's life, if he is given an opportunity to choose for himself what he wants. Isn't that true for any adult? Wouldn't we enjoy doing something that we have chosen to do rather than do something that has been given to us....whether we like it or not? Yet, when it comes to children, we shy away from giving them the right to choose. Right from eating to what they want to wear to when they want to do their homework to whether they want to their homework in the first place!!
Most importantly, I learnt how a "Bad news" can be "Good news"...if only we are able to see the incident in that light. This viewing not only makes you that much more wise, it also enables you considerably to be able to live through the difficult times. I learnt to challenge some beliefs that were pulling me down, learnt to let go, so that I could look at new possibilities to address the same difficulties.
I learnt that constraints only enhance my thinking capacity. I was amazed at my ability to come up with creative reasons to convince him why he should be going to school that day. Some of them failed miserably, but that's okay, cause some of them did work wonders!!
This incident made me remember Howard Gardner a lot!! Yes, I am appreciating the concept of Multiple Intelligence. What a difference it can make if all parents can actually understand this concept!!
And the way this incident affected me, it was equally disturbing for my son as well. He learnt a couple of things too from this whole episode.
For one, he learnt to not "follow the crowd ". To stand up and say what you think is wrong, even if it means going against the norms set by the environment. Moreover he learnt that ultimately he has to bear the consequences of his own behaviour. In other words, he learnt to assume Responsibility for his actions.
I never realized that he had so many feelings buried inside him. This incident brought out all those pent up emotions and their acceptance and acknowledgement gave him the much needed assurance that he is as "normal"as any other kid his age.
The reason why I am sharing this with you all, is because I sincerely feel that had it not been for these insights which I learnt from my journey in GK/ Amable, I would have probably not been able to see any good out of this bad incident. Although, initially I must admit, I did feel a sense of "all this is good only in books, not in real life"...kind of a situation!! But reflection does make you wise. and on reflection I realised that this was probably just what I needed in my life ....a platform to actually experience these insights and see if they worrk. And beleive me, work they do!!
Parenting today is a lot more challenging than it was even 15 yrs ago and hence the need to acquire the right skills and attitude that will equip you to do just that...parent your child in a way that will empower both of you to achieve a mutually satisfying relationship.
Happy parenting!!
thanks for sharing akeela. i can sooo connect with you said. i do feel something similar ...though not for school. but the reason is the same. i am expecting something which is not in alignment with what the other person wants to do. hence the churn.
ReplyDeletei am sure we all will face more such 'good' news in the future;)!