Carefulness as a HOM?

A friend of mine recently complained that she "seems to be getting old". Reason: She is constantly losing things. Although, as of date she has not lost anything of major significance, but has been frequently losing things like handkerchiefs, pens, little nik naks that she enjoys keeping in her hand bag, a couple of receipts , bills etc. I enquired if she has ever misplaced her cell phone ( it's almost always in her hand!! ) , to which she gave  a very assertive "No Way!! "

"There you go", I  said.  "Now you know why you are losing these so called 'small' things!!"

Actually, come to think of it, this is a basic human trait. We are automatically careful about the things we value.
If we value our health, we will be careful about what and how we eat.
if we value friends, we will take out time to keep in touch with them.
if we value time, we will be careful not to waste it.
If we value money, we will be careful about how we spend it.
If we value relationships, we will be careful not to break it.

Lets relate this to parenting. Lets see what are the responses we get for...
 If we value our children, we will be careful not to _____________( Fill in the blank )

To be continued....

How was my Bad news, Good news!!

A few months ago, my son was going through a rough patch in school. Although not very uncommon for children in their tweens, it was nonetheless a truly physically and emotionally draining experience for me. Didn't really realize how scary it can be when your 12 year old tells you with full conviction that he, not only does not want to go to school anymore, but that he is just not interested in studying any further...that he sees no need to study or go to school at all!!

To me what was really scary, was not what he was saying, rather why he was saying, what he was saying. What could have possibly gone so wrong at school, for him to think, with such surety , that studying and acquiring an education is not something he sees himself doing....not in the near future any ways!!

I really don't want to write about the details of what actually transpired at school....to me what was more important is what effect it had on him. To describe in one word..it shattered him...it killed his self confidence, made him feel that he was a good for nothing fellow....that whatever strengths he has are of no use just because he is not "academically correct"!! Can you believe it...he actually immersed himself completely in a task and kept on at it for most part of the day...for days together, just to be able to achieve some praise, some acknowledgement that even he was good at something.

This incident has been a huge learning opportunity for me.  Some of these I will share with you:

Firstly, I learnt that a school is as good as its teachers. And a "good" school is not the necessarily the one which provides good infrastructure, but rather one which invests in its teachers...in their professional and personal growth and training. And a one who does not compromise when it comes to hiring the better teacher.

Secondly I learnt how important it is to like "myself", in order to achieve success of any kind. While this is true for everyone, it becomes vital for children and especially the tweens and the teenagers, who are at that point going through a lot of physiological changes which can effect their psychological well being as well. For this, the child needs unconditional love, trust and acceptance. Have always known this fact....it's not something that is news for parents of this generation. But I truly understood the implications of what can happen to a child if these vital ingredients are missing from the dish of parenting and in the teaching learning process.

Next, I realized  what a world of change it can bring in a child's life, if he is given an opportunity to choose for himself what he wants. Isn't that true for any adult? Wouldn't we enjoy doing something that we have chosen to do rather than do something that has been given to us....whether we like it or not? Yet, when it comes to children, we shy away from giving them the right to choose. Right from eating to what they want to wear to when they want to do their homework to whether they want to their homework in the first place!!

Most importantly, I learnt how a "Bad news" can be "Good news"...if only we are able to see the incident in that light. This viewing not only makes you that much more wise, it also enables you considerably to be able to live through the difficult times. I learnt to challenge some beliefs that were pulling me down, learnt to let go, so that I could look at new possibilities to address the same difficulties.

I learnt that constraints only enhance my thinking capacity. I was amazed at my ability to come up with creative reasons to convince him why he should be going to school that day. Some of them failed miserably, but that's okay, cause some of them did work wonders!!

This incident made me remember Howard Gardner a lot!! Yes, I am appreciating the concept of Multiple Intelligence. What a difference it can make if all parents can actually understand this concept!!



And the way this incident affected me, it was equally disturbing for my son as well. He learnt a couple of things too from this whole episode.

For one, he learnt to not "follow the crowd ". To stand up and say what you think is wrong, even if it means going against the norms set by the environment. Moreover he learnt that ultimately he has to bear the consequences of his own behaviour. In other words, he learnt to assume Responsibility for his actions.

I never realized that he had so many feelings buried inside him. This incident brought out all those pent up emotions and their acceptance and acknowledgement gave him the much needed assurance that he is as "normal"as any other kid his age.

The reason why I am sharing this with you all, is because I sincerely feel that had it not been for these insights which I learnt from my journey in GK/ Amable, I would have probably not been able to see any good out of this bad incident. Although, initially I must admit, I did feel a sense of "all this is good only in books, not in real life"...kind of a situation!! But reflection does make you wise. and on reflection I realised that this was probably just what I needed in my life ....a platform to actually experience these insights and see if they worrk. And beleive me, work they do!!

Parenting today is a lot more challenging than it was even 15 yrs ago and hence the need to acquire the right skills and attitude that will equip you to do just that...parent your child in a way that  will empower both of you to achieve a mutually satisfying relationship.

Happy parenting!!

Which zone are you operating from?

Once there was a king who received a gift of two magnificent falcons. They were peregrine falcons, the most beautiful birds he had ever seen. He gave the precious birds to his head falconer to be trained. Months passed, and one day the head falconer informed the king that though one of the falcons was flying majestically, soaring high in the sky, the other bird had not moved from its branch since the day it had arrived.

The king summoned healers and sorcerers from all the land to tend to the falcon, but no one could make the bird fly.
He presented the task to the member of his court, but the next day, the king saw through the palace window that the bird had still not moved from its perch.

Having tried everything else, the king thought to himself, “May be I need someone more familiar with the countryside to understand the nature of this problem.” So he cried out to his court, “Go and get a farmer.”

In the morning, the king was thrilled to see the falcon soaring high above the palace gardens. He said to his court, “Bring me the doer of this miracle.”
The court quickly located the farmer, who came and stood before the king. The king asked him, “How did you make the falcon fly?” With his head bowed, the farmer said to the king, “It was very easy, your highness. I simply cut the branch where the bird was sitting.”
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We are all made to fly — to realize our incredible potential as human beings. But at times we sit on our branches, clinging to the things that are familiar to us. The possibilities are endless, but for most of us, they remain undiscovered. We conform to the familiar, the comfortable, and the mundane. So for the most part, our lives are mediocre instead of exciting, thrilling and fulfilling. Let us learn to destroy the branch of fear we cling to and free ourselves to the glory of flight!