Carefulness as a HOM?

A friend of mine recently complained that she "seems to be getting old". Reason: She is constantly losing things. Although, as of date she has not lost anything of major significance, but has been frequently losing things like handkerchiefs, pens, little nik naks that she enjoys keeping in her hand bag, a couple of receipts , bills etc. I enquired if she has ever misplaced her cell phone ( it's almost always in her hand!! ) , to which she gave  a very assertive "No Way!! "

"There you go", I  said.  "Now you know why you are losing these so called 'small' things!!"

Actually, come to think of it, this is a basic human trait. We are automatically careful about the things we value.
If we value our health, we will be careful about what and how we eat.
if we value friends, we will take out time to keep in touch with them.
if we value time, we will be careful not to waste it.
If we value money, we will be careful about how we spend it.
If we value relationships, we will be careful not to break it.

Lets relate this to parenting. Lets see what are the responses we get for...
 If we value our children, we will be careful not to _____________( Fill in the blank )

To be continued....

How was my Bad news, Good news!!

A few months ago, my son was going through a rough patch in school. Although not very uncommon for children in their tweens, it was nonetheless a truly physically and emotionally draining experience for me. Didn't really realize how scary it can be when your 12 year old tells you with full conviction that he, not only does not want to go to school anymore, but that he is just not interested in studying any further...that he sees no need to study or go to school at all!!

To me what was really scary, was not what he was saying, rather why he was saying, what he was saying. What could have possibly gone so wrong at school, for him to think, with such surety , that studying and acquiring an education is not something he sees himself doing....not in the near future any ways!!

I really don't want to write about the details of what actually transpired at school....to me what was more important is what effect it had on him. To describe in one word..it shattered him...it killed his self confidence, made him feel that he was a good for nothing fellow....that whatever strengths he has are of no use just because he is not "academically correct"!! Can you believe it...he actually immersed himself completely in a task and kept on at it for most part of the day...for days together, just to be able to achieve some praise, some acknowledgement that even he was good at something.

This incident has been a huge learning opportunity for me.  Some of these I will share with you:

Firstly, I learnt that a school is as good as its teachers. And a "good" school is not the necessarily the one which provides good infrastructure, but rather one which invests in its teachers...in their professional and personal growth and training. And a one who does not compromise when it comes to hiring the better teacher.

Secondly I learnt how important it is to like "myself", in order to achieve success of any kind. While this is true for everyone, it becomes vital for children and especially the tweens and the teenagers, who are at that point going through a lot of physiological changes which can effect their psychological well being as well. For this, the child needs unconditional love, trust and acceptance. Have always known this fact....it's not something that is news for parents of this generation. But I truly understood the implications of what can happen to a child if these vital ingredients are missing from the dish of parenting and in the teaching learning process.

Next, I realized  what a world of change it can bring in a child's life, if he is given an opportunity to choose for himself what he wants. Isn't that true for any adult? Wouldn't we enjoy doing something that we have chosen to do rather than do something that has been given to us....whether we like it or not? Yet, when it comes to children, we shy away from giving them the right to choose. Right from eating to what they want to wear to when they want to do their homework to whether they want to their homework in the first place!!

Most importantly, I learnt how a "Bad news" can be "Good news"...if only we are able to see the incident in that light. This viewing not only makes you that much more wise, it also enables you considerably to be able to live through the difficult times. I learnt to challenge some beliefs that were pulling me down, learnt to let go, so that I could look at new possibilities to address the same difficulties.

I learnt that constraints only enhance my thinking capacity. I was amazed at my ability to come up with creative reasons to convince him why he should be going to school that day. Some of them failed miserably, but that's okay, cause some of them did work wonders!!

This incident made me remember Howard Gardner a lot!! Yes, I am appreciating the concept of Multiple Intelligence. What a difference it can make if all parents can actually understand this concept!!



And the way this incident affected me, it was equally disturbing for my son as well. He learnt a couple of things too from this whole episode.

For one, he learnt to not "follow the crowd ". To stand up and say what you think is wrong, even if it means going against the norms set by the environment. Moreover he learnt that ultimately he has to bear the consequences of his own behaviour. In other words, he learnt to assume Responsibility for his actions.

I never realized that he had so many feelings buried inside him. This incident brought out all those pent up emotions and their acceptance and acknowledgement gave him the much needed assurance that he is as "normal"as any other kid his age.

The reason why I am sharing this with you all, is because I sincerely feel that had it not been for these insights which I learnt from my journey in GK/ Amable, I would have probably not been able to see any good out of this bad incident. Although, initially I must admit, I did feel a sense of "all this is good only in books, not in real life"...kind of a situation!! But reflection does make you wise. and on reflection I realised that this was probably just what I needed in my life ....a platform to actually experience these insights and see if they worrk. And beleive me, work they do!!

Parenting today is a lot more challenging than it was even 15 yrs ago and hence the need to acquire the right skills and attitude that will equip you to do just that...parent your child in a way that  will empower both of you to achieve a mutually satisfying relationship.

Happy parenting!!

Which zone are you operating from?

Once there was a king who received a gift of two magnificent falcons. They were peregrine falcons, the most beautiful birds he had ever seen. He gave the precious birds to his head falconer to be trained. Months passed, and one day the head falconer informed the king that though one of the falcons was flying majestically, soaring high in the sky, the other bird had not moved from its branch since the day it had arrived.

The king summoned healers and sorcerers from all the land to tend to the falcon, but no one could make the bird fly.
He presented the task to the member of his court, but the next day, the king saw through the palace window that the bird had still not moved from its perch.

Having tried everything else, the king thought to himself, “May be I need someone more familiar with the countryside to understand the nature of this problem.” So he cried out to his court, “Go and get a farmer.”

In the morning, the king was thrilled to see the falcon soaring high above the palace gardens. He said to his court, “Bring me the doer of this miracle.”
The court quickly located the farmer, who came and stood before the king. The king asked him, “How did you make the falcon fly?” With his head bowed, the farmer said to the king, “It was very easy, your highness. I simply cut the branch where the bird was sitting.”
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We are all made to fly — to realize our incredible potential as human beings. But at times we sit on our branches, clinging to the things that are familiar to us. The possibilities are endless, but for most of us, they remain undiscovered. We conform to the familiar, the comfortable, and the mundane. So for the most part, our lives are mediocre instead of exciting, thrilling and fulfilling. Let us learn to destroy the branch of fear we cling to and free ourselves to the glory of flight!

Just chill!!

Some new words that my kids have added to my word bank include: Chillax Mom, Take a chill pill, Reelaax!!
Wonder what is it that can make them RElAX so easily.??

Understanding Positive Intentions.

A chord struck somewhere, as I was aimlessly switching channels today.

Seen that bike/scooter ad, which has this as its punchline message: "Kuch to baat hai ki, aajkal in nadaanon par gussa kam hi aata hai."

No , No...am not advocating for that product!! Rather just trying to explore what is it that is making that person less angry? Am quite convinced its something much more beyond the mechanism of the machine ( or whatever it is that is being advertised ! ) In my humble opinion, it is the ability to look beyond those 'irritating events '(can also be read as 'irritating people!!). It is the effort to look beyond the apparent behaviour ...to the possible reason for that behaviour. And while at it....to look for a possibly favourable reason from the point of view of the doer.

Aasaan basha mein jisse "Positive Intentions" kehte hain!!

Without going into how such type of thinking can have a positive impact on the apparent "criminal"....lets instead focus and see what it does to me as an individual who is at the receiving end of this attrocity!! When I ascribe a positive intention to someone's misbehaviours / misdeeds....what effect is it having on me?

 The answer is quite simply put...It liberates Me !!

Somehow, almost miraculously I feel free. And this freedom allows you to not only think of creative ways to handle the misbehavior...but it also distances you from having any direct connection with the reason for that misbehavior.

Lets try it out!!

Think of any one's behavior that has bothered you in the recent past. Now , just for a minute think of what could be the possible intention for making him/her behave in that way. And wait...don't stop at the first response that you get! Keep at it ....keep digging into the reason and you will be surprised how you yourself will come up with a positive intention for that behavior.
And once you arrive at it, what effect is it having on you? Are you feeling lighter? Less disappointed? Less angry?

The fact is that as a rule, you can not do much do rectify / modify others behaviors. How then can we motivate others, especially children to move away from undesirable behaviors to more acceptable ones?
The best chance that we have is to come at a common platform and work from there. Once we come at the same level, we are able to see 'eye to eye' rather than 'high to eye.' and as such have a better chance of perceiving the incident from a different perspective...from the perspective of the doer. This automatically makes you more acceptable and worth listening to. Your tone,body language, choice of words, gestures etc will undergo a sea change...all of which will be factors that will give the doer some motivation, some reason to change the undesirable behavior. 

To me, as a parent, that is probably our best bet when it comes to dealing with unacceptable behaviors.

So the next time your 7 yr old refused to come in from playing outside OR if your 3 year old refuses to share OR if your teenage daughter just cannot remember to call and inform if she is going to be home later than the scheduled time OR if its your maid who refuses to inform you before she decides  to take a leave OR its any of the many people whose behavior distresses you.....try this formula. It works!!

Change the Leader!!

Change The Leader

One of the things that I have enjoyed doing off late is to make connections between two seemingly unrelated things , events or ideas.

I recently revisited one of my favourite books ….and discovered a beautiful analogy.

The plot of George Orwell’s ‘Animal Farm’ can be summarized in a single sentence – “This novel demonstrates the consequences of the addition of four important words - ’but’,  ‘some’, ‘more’, and ‘others’ to the phrase – “All animals are equal”.

In other words, it describes the transition from the statement “All animals are equal”  to the qualified formula “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others”.

I found this phrase applicable to parent- child relationship as well. How ? With this slight change of words by the adult “ I trust my child, but my child should trust me more. ”

Of Course, most of us adults would prefer to do anything before we accept this verbally...even though our actions totally belie our assertive statements. Let me give you a few examples:

Case 1:

Rohan, 12 was getting more than a little frustrated with his mother for continuously supervising his studies. So for the forthcoming exams, his mother relented to his desire of preparing for the exams in his own way. On the result day, Rohan’s mum was terribly disappointed. Rohan’s grade showed a sharp decline and all hell broke loose in their household. His mum was back to her constant supervision and Rohan was more frustrated than ever.

Case 2:

Deeksha, 10  was eager to bake her own cake. She had seen her mum make it a couple of times and was itching to make one ‘all by herself’. She refused to allow anyone in the kitchen. However, the egg spilled onto the floor, the flour was all over the kitchen counter and because the ingredients were not measured out precisely the finished product was not nearly the same as always. The next time, when the cake was to be made, Deeksha was not allowed to do it independently.

Now, just for a moment, imagine yourself to be in Rohan’s and Deeksha’s place...not as a child, but as an adult. What if you had failed or under performed in your office assignment or if you had gone terribly wrong with a new recipe that you were so enthu about trying? Would you deny yourself the opportunity to retry and succeed? Chances are, if you are really passionate about your assignment or your culinary skills, then you would not only be waiting for the next opportunity, you would also resent not being allowed to be given another shot.

But, with children, we are more than ready to snatch away this freedom, to experiment, to fail , to fall and to rise again….at the very first ‘failure’ itself. This is more likely to happen if we have grudgingly given into their desire to lead, to be in charge and to make their own decisions. At the first hint of a failed attempt, we tend to snatch the leader’s cap and adorn it back on our head.

This forces me to question myself:  Do I have to succeed every time to prove that I am capable enough to be trusted to make my own decisions, to make my own choices?

 The fact is that  just as its tough and challenging for me to attempt anything new, so is it with children….but that's where the learning is. We all want our children to be leaders...take immense pride in that.. But we tend to forget that the only way they will be able lead, is when we allow them to take the position of a leader.

And in order to lead, I need to be given the FREEDOM to choose what I want to do and also how I want to do it. I need to be be given the space to make mistakes and make my own changes accordingly.

To make a long story short...I need to be TRUSTED.

In school , we were all typical followers….do what the teacher tells, what is the ‘norm’  or the ‘expected behaviour’. No chance to question, to think differently , to do differently, to experiment, to fail…..simply because the focus was always the end product ...never the process.

As a parent myself, I find it most challenging to trust my children’s decisions. If my son decides that it is just not  worth doing his homework...because he sees no purpose to it, or if he decides that he just doesn’t want to study a particular language….what do I do? What do I do ?

And after a great amount of thought, I almost miraculously  stumbled upon an answer!

You see, it’s not about what I can do...it’s about what other choice do I have!

I realised that ultimately I have not much choice but to TRUST him that if he has decided something he knows what he is doing.

So does this mean I sit back and not say anything at all?? Not really.

Let me give you another analogy. Suppose you were being driven to a particular destination. And while you are relaxing in the back seat of the car, you suddenly realise that the driver is taking a wrong route...at least you think it is wrong. So what would you do? Logical reasoning seems to suggest that we would talk it out with the driver, maybe state some facts to prove your point, suggest alternatives, etc etc. Likewise, I too can, share my concerns, suggest alternatives and talk it out with my son in a respectful manner….just like you would do with the driver of the car.

But the fact is that at any point of time , I cannot push the driver out of the car or force him in the backseat. You just dont’t do that!!,

Take a moment to visualize….How do you think it would be if we just allow our children to lead...to make their own decisions, irrespective of the outcome? Sure, at times it may not be the best outcome, but if  you think long term, then I think we would  have succeeded in shaping our children into live, thinking, learning and evolving beings …….who are capable to be the future leaders.

So  go ahead ….and CHANGE THE LEADER….in your life!!!

MOVE and SWELL ; DIG and TELL

I am of the firm belief that everything in nature has a purpose.That nothing was created purposeless. The purpose can be to take care of someone’s or something’s physical, psychological, social, emotional, spiritual or any other need.  ‘Teachers’ are there all around us...from the vastness of the sky, to the dry dead earth that produces rich yield when rain falls on it, the variety that we find in its yield, and the treasures that are stored in the depths of the oceans...all have a story to tell...if we are only able to listen, reflect and ponder.

I know I am sounding like an age old philosopher! But as if to confirm my belief, I  recently came across this interesting analogy  between river and sea water to the secrete of self growth and constantly evolving. And almost unconsciously, I discovered the treasures that we will find..if we only care enough to Dig for it.

So here I present to you one of the many fundas that I have derived from Mother Nature!

River water, as we all know is constant flowing. As compared to sea water which is comparatively static. And we also know that by its very nature, sea water is salty..sometimes even bitter...whereas river water is, at least comparatively, more pleasant to taste. So there you go….if you want to have the quality of freshness and sweetness that is found in the river water ...all you need to do is to constantly move...do things...for yourself, for others. In other words, challenge yourself, push yourself out of your comfort zones, struggle, strive to constantly learn ...for ultimately all this will bring a certain kind of freshness that is quite contagious.  

In contrast, being static...in terms of growing and evolving... tends to bring about a certain kind of bitterness in ourselves...which we invariably pass on to others.

And before you condemn me for being so superficial and so pessimistic towards the sea,, let me tell you about my funda no. 2!

The sea is a huge resource of untapped treasures. One cannot even imagine the energy,  the power , the vibrancy and the variety  that it has inside it...all of which is hardly visible apparently.  In fact, if we only take the trouble to dive in, we will be amazed by its sheer capacity and its inexplicable beauty. And that is where I learn the importance of looking beyond what is apparent, to dig for the gold in the people that I interact with and especially children.

I make a special mention of children, simply because they are most likely to get affected by our negative perception of them... simply based on their superficial abilities. If we as adults only take the trouble to dive inside, we will be equally amazed by what we find there. The fact is that before the ‘gold’ comes out, we get a whole lot of muck and rubbish. If we get stuck with this muck, it is quite likely that we may ultimately stop digging. But we would do well to remember that the diver who dives into the sea, rarely comes out with pearls and corals in his first dive. Not because the gems are not there...just that he has to look for it.

This reminds me of a part in the classic poem ‘Koshish karne walon ki haar nahin hoti’, which goes something like this :

Dubkiyaan sindhu mein gotakhor lagata hai,

Ja ja kar khali haath laut aata hai.

Milte nahi saahas se moti gehre paani mein,

Badhta doona utsah isse hairani mein.

Muthi uski khali, har baar nahin hoti,

Koshish karne walon ki haar nahin hoti.

That;s it for now...till next time; Happy digging!! And don't forget...keep moving!!