Change the Leader!!

Change The Leader

One of the things that I have enjoyed doing off late is to make connections between two seemingly unrelated things , events or ideas.

I recently revisited one of my favourite books ….and discovered a beautiful analogy.

The plot of George Orwell’s ‘Animal Farm’ can be summarized in a single sentence – “This novel demonstrates the consequences of the addition of four important words - ’but’,  ‘some’, ‘more’, and ‘others’ to the phrase – “All animals are equal”.

In other words, it describes the transition from the statement “All animals are equal”  to the qualified formula “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others”.

I found this phrase applicable to parent- child relationship as well. How ? With this slight change of words by the adult “ I trust my child, but my child should trust me more. ”

Of Course, most of us adults would prefer to do anything before we accept this verbally...even though our actions totally belie our assertive statements. Let me give you a few examples:

Case 1:

Rohan, 12 was getting more than a little frustrated with his mother for continuously supervising his studies. So for the forthcoming exams, his mother relented to his desire of preparing for the exams in his own way. On the result day, Rohan’s mum was terribly disappointed. Rohan’s grade showed a sharp decline and all hell broke loose in their household. His mum was back to her constant supervision and Rohan was more frustrated than ever.

Case 2:

Deeksha, 10  was eager to bake her own cake. She had seen her mum make it a couple of times and was itching to make one ‘all by herself’. She refused to allow anyone in the kitchen. However, the egg spilled onto the floor, the flour was all over the kitchen counter and because the ingredients were not measured out precisely the finished product was not nearly the same as always. The next time, when the cake was to be made, Deeksha was not allowed to do it independently.

Now, just for a moment, imagine yourself to be in Rohan’s and Deeksha’s place...not as a child, but as an adult. What if you had failed or under performed in your office assignment or if you had gone terribly wrong with a new recipe that you were so enthu about trying? Would you deny yourself the opportunity to retry and succeed? Chances are, if you are really passionate about your assignment or your culinary skills, then you would not only be waiting for the next opportunity, you would also resent not being allowed to be given another shot.

But, with children, we are more than ready to snatch away this freedom, to experiment, to fail , to fall and to rise again….at the very first ‘failure’ itself. This is more likely to happen if we have grudgingly given into their desire to lead, to be in charge and to make their own decisions. At the first hint of a failed attempt, we tend to snatch the leader’s cap and adorn it back on our head.

This forces me to question myself:  Do I have to succeed every time to prove that I am capable enough to be trusted to make my own decisions, to make my own choices?

 The fact is that  just as its tough and challenging for me to attempt anything new, so is it with children….but that's where the learning is. We all want our children to be leaders...take immense pride in that.. But we tend to forget that the only way they will be able lead, is when we allow them to take the position of a leader.

And in order to lead, I need to be given the FREEDOM to choose what I want to do and also how I want to do it. I need to be be given the space to make mistakes and make my own changes accordingly.

To make a long story short...I need to be TRUSTED.

In school , we were all typical followers….do what the teacher tells, what is the ‘norm’  or the ‘expected behaviour’. No chance to question, to think differently , to do differently, to experiment, to fail…..simply because the focus was always the end product ...never the process.

As a parent myself, I find it most challenging to trust my children’s decisions. If my son decides that it is just not  worth doing his homework...because he sees no purpose to it, or if he decides that he just doesn’t want to study a particular language….what do I do? What do I do ?

And after a great amount of thought, I almost miraculously  stumbled upon an answer!

You see, it’s not about what I can do...it’s about what other choice do I have!

I realised that ultimately I have not much choice but to TRUST him that if he has decided something he knows what he is doing.

So does this mean I sit back and not say anything at all?? Not really.

Let me give you another analogy. Suppose you were being driven to a particular destination. And while you are relaxing in the back seat of the car, you suddenly realise that the driver is taking a wrong route...at least you think it is wrong. So what would you do? Logical reasoning seems to suggest that we would talk it out with the driver, maybe state some facts to prove your point, suggest alternatives, etc etc. Likewise, I too can, share my concerns, suggest alternatives and talk it out with my son in a respectful manner….just like you would do with the driver of the car.

But the fact is that at any point of time , I cannot push the driver out of the car or force him in the backseat. You just dont’t do that!!,

Take a moment to visualize….How do you think it would be if we just allow our children to lead...to make their own decisions, irrespective of the outcome? Sure, at times it may not be the best outcome, but if  you think long term, then I think we would  have succeeded in shaping our children into live, thinking, learning and evolving beings …….who are capable to be the future leaders.

So  go ahead ….and CHANGE THE LEADER….in your life!!!

MOVE and SWELL ; DIG and TELL

I am of the firm belief that everything in nature has a purpose.That nothing was created purposeless. The purpose can be to take care of someone’s or something’s physical, psychological, social, emotional, spiritual or any other need.  ‘Teachers’ are there all around us...from the vastness of the sky, to the dry dead earth that produces rich yield when rain falls on it, the variety that we find in its yield, and the treasures that are stored in the depths of the oceans...all have a story to tell...if we are only able to listen, reflect and ponder.

I know I am sounding like an age old philosopher! But as if to confirm my belief, I  recently came across this interesting analogy  between river and sea water to the secrete of self growth and constantly evolving. And almost unconsciously, I discovered the treasures that we will find..if we only care enough to Dig for it.

So here I present to you one of the many fundas that I have derived from Mother Nature!

River water, as we all know is constant flowing. As compared to sea water which is comparatively static. And we also know that by its very nature, sea water is salty..sometimes even bitter...whereas river water is, at least comparatively, more pleasant to taste. So there you go….if you want to have the quality of freshness and sweetness that is found in the river water ...all you need to do is to constantly move...do things...for yourself, for others. In other words, challenge yourself, push yourself out of your comfort zones, struggle, strive to constantly learn ...for ultimately all this will bring a certain kind of freshness that is quite contagious.  

In contrast, being static...in terms of growing and evolving... tends to bring about a certain kind of bitterness in ourselves...which we invariably pass on to others.

And before you condemn me for being so superficial and so pessimistic towards the sea,, let me tell you about my funda no. 2!

The sea is a huge resource of untapped treasures. One cannot even imagine the energy,  the power , the vibrancy and the variety  that it has inside it...all of which is hardly visible apparently.  In fact, if we only take the trouble to dive in, we will be amazed by its sheer capacity and its inexplicable beauty. And that is where I learn the importance of looking beyond what is apparent, to dig for the gold in the people that I interact with and especially children.

I make a special mention of children, simply because they are most likely to get affected by our negative perception of them... simply based on their superficial abilities. If we as adults only take the trouble to dive inside, we will be equally amazed by what we find there. The fact is that before the ‘gold’ comes out, we get a whole lot of muck and rubbish. If we get stuck with this muck, it is quite likely that we may ultimately stop digging. But we would do well to remember that the diver who dives into the sea, rarely comes out with pearls and corals in his first dive. Not because the gems are not there...just that he has to look for it.

This reminds me of a part in the classic poem ‘Koshish karne walon ki haar nahin hoti’, which goes something like this :

Dubkiyaan sindhu mein gotakhor lagata hai,

Ja ja kar khali haath laut aata hai.

Milte nahi saahas se moti gehre paani mein,

Badhta doona utsah isse hairani mein.

Muthi uski khali, har baar nahin hoti,

Koshish karne walon ki haar nahin hoti.

That;s it for now...till next time; Happy digging!! And don't forget...keep moving!!